Isolation.
I knew what this was. I am thoroughly familiar with the feel, the weight, and the constant knowledge of its presence. If someone were to ask me to describe my feeling in a word, that would be isolation.
Loneliness ... Separation ... Isolation.
They didn't know how I feel. They didn't know what was lost.
What did I have left?
His name fell from my lips like a mantra.
Trowa, Trowa, Trowa.
Yet, I could see the uncertainty behind those startling green eyes. It pained my heart, to have him so physically close, yet so emotionally distant. I wanted to reach out and touch him, to feel the warmth of his skin under my fingers. However, I dare not, for I am but a stranger to him. In spite of that, he had followed me without question. When I asked him why, he told me that he did what his heart told him to.
Days passed in a hazy blur, and I still couldn't break through the wall between us.
Why do you shut me out? Have you forgotten everything about me ... about us?
Icy fingers gripped my heart as I watched him disappear down the corridor. I needed someone to talk to, to listen to my pain, my frustration, and before I knew it, I was pressing the buzzer on the door leading to Duo's quarters.
"I need to talk to you." I muttered apologetically, noting the lateness of the hour.
He nodded and let me in. A soft rustling of bedclothes startled me. I raised my eyebrow in surprise as Heero sat up, rubbing sleep from his eyes.
"Quatre? Is something wrong?" A small frown creased his brows.
A warm flush suffused my cheeks as I watched the two of them sit close together on the one single bed in the room. The taciturn, somewhat anti-social Heero, and Duo, the only person who was able to break through his icy personality. I knew that they get along very well, like best friends. They looked after each other constantly, in a way that had started suspicious rumours. Yet, why did I feel awkward to find out they were obviously sharing the same bed, as if it was the most natural thing for best friends to do?
"I-I'm sorry," I stammered, "I didn't mean to disturb ... I'll just leave now."
They must have noted my discomfiture, for Duo suddenly grinned disarmingly and said, "Chill, Quatre. Sit down, tell us what's bothering you."
I sat, my eyes still riveted on them. They huddled, thighs pressing against each other's. A small spark of envy stabbed through my heart.
"It's about Trowa, isn't it?" Heero asked quietly.
I nodded mutely. If they couldn't understand, then no one else could. They knew about Trowa and me; otherwise, why would they go out of their way to track Trowa down while I sat wallowing in my sorrow? They had nothing to gain from it, and yet they had done it – for me.
"Have you talked to him?"
I sighed, "I tried. But I can't breach the distance between us. It hurts that it come down to this, but I don't feel like I can deal with all the stuff that's been bothering me lately." They nodded, encouraging me to go on. "Trowa and I, we used to be ... close. But now it seems that he'd forgotten it all. What should I do? Should I walk away while I still care for him, or should I wait until I can't even bear to look at him?"
My voice faltered and I looked at them helplessly.
"Quatre ..."
I detected a hint of pity in their eyes. I looked away and fought the hot, prickling tears at the back of my eyes. I couldn't quell the despair that ripped through me. I put my arms around my shoulders, hugging myself as if to protect my heart from any further pain.
"Quatre, do you really care for him?" Heero's voice was soft, soothing.
"Yes."
"Do you love him?" Duo asked gently.
I looked up, startled by his bluntness. He looked at me searchingly.
"Yes. I love him." I whispered with fierce conviction. "I love him so much." I clutched my arms, as I fought to hold back my tears. But I failed, and I felt the tears sprang from my eyes. The teardrops quivered for a moment on my eyelashes, before splashing onto my cheeks.
Soft, measured footfalls on the floor.
And then they were calling my name, bringing me back from the edge. Arms closed around me, holding me in a warm embrace. Someone reached out to wipe away my tears – whether it was Heero or Duo, I couldn't tell. They held me close, as if to protect me, to support me, to share my pain, my anguish, and my sorrow.
"He remembers you Quatre, don't you ever doubt that." Duo said quietly, his tone reassuring me.
"But ..."
"He's doing what his heart tells him to." Heero said wistfully. "And that was why he followed you here. That was why he felt at peace being close to you."
My eyes fell shut momentarily as I took in a shuddering breath. I took solace in the comfort Heero and Duo gave me, and my despair slowly dissipated like mists in the morning sun.
"Go to him, Quatre." Duo touched my elbow gently. "Only you can make him remember, and only he can take away your pain."
He tugged my arm gently, pulling me up to my feet. I looked into their eyes in turn, and all I could see were unwavering conviction. He gave my shoulder a quick squeeze and stepped back.
"You and Trowa, you two belong together. Quit doubting yourself. He remembers you." Duo assured me yet again.
Heero nodded and slid his arms around his friend in a protective [or was it possessive? I couldn't tell] embrace. He said nothing, but his action spoke volumes. It was as if to tell me, no matter what, don't ever give up and don't ever let go.
And I understood. I finally understood just how important it was to banish my doubts.
I stepped out into the corridor, and took a deep calming breath. My faith restored; I stepped forward.
Even if it might take many tears and a long, long time, I would claim what's mine.
Trowa.
END
Completed: Saturday, 04 October 2003; 11:49 AM [+8 GMT]
Footnotes:
This is a companion piece to Where We Belong, the 200-word ficlet written for the Love_Trowa ML [9th August 2003]. While this piece do not feature Trowa, it attempts to show the thoughts from Quatre's pov and the importance of emotional support from your companions [in this case, Heero and Duo]. As to whether Heero and Duo are a couple or not, make of it what you will. #^_^#