Between Friends

Chapter 16: Out

"Aunty, I can explain."

Kira held Athrun in a restraining grip as Caridad remained rooted on the spot, her face pale. Her hands were crossed over her chest as if to still her heart. She looked at them in turn, her expression aghast. The little orphans accompanying her were peering at them curiously, and Kira prayed that their young minds weren't damaged by what they'd just witnessed.

"Come inside," Caridad said, her voice unsteady. She sent the children ahead, and made her way slowly to the main house. Kira and Athrun followed at a respectable distance, hands clasped together instinctively.

When they got inside, Caridad poured out long glasses of iced tea for each of them and set it on the kitchen counter. Kira winced mentally; Cagalli had told him that she had accidentally seen them frolicking on the same counter complete with half eaten tubs of ice-cream. Caridad gestured towards the drinks, but neither had the inclination to drink just then.

"Since when?" Caridad asked quietly.

The question rattled Kira, and he turned to look at Athrun on impulse. Athrun had his eyes fixed on the glasses, perspiration forming on his temples. Athrun was as nervous as he. He squeezed Athrun's hand to reassure him, for what it's worth.

Clearing his throat, Athrun finally said: "If you mean since when we started getting intimate, it was last November. But if you want to know since when I've loved Kira, I guess since childhood."

Taken aback, Kira's mouth went slack. He didn't expect Athrun to be recklessly blunt.

"But I thought you're close to Cagalli. What happened?" Caridad said, giving Athrun a puzzled look.

"She's just a friend," Athrun told her. "It's Kira that I really love."

Athrun's candour made Caridad uncomfortable. It's not everyday a guy would tell you directly that he's in love with your son. Her brows furrowed. "What kind of love are you talking about, Athrun?"

"It's hard to explain."

"Try." Athrun stared at his hand, which sported a matching band to the one Kira was wearing. Caridad appeared to understand its significance for the first time, and her eyes looked distressed. She looked beseechingly at Kira, as if to seek some form of rebuttal. Acutely aware that denial was not a wise option, Kira looked at her straight in the eyes and nodded.

"We are a couple, in all sense of the word," he admitted quietly. "I meant to tell you one day, but I didn't have the guts. I'm sorry you have to find out this way."

"I see." Caridad gazed at them in turn. "Maybe I should have seen it coming, but you two have always been close together since young. But it's still hard for me to sit here and digest that you two are ..." She trailed off, distressed.

"If it's any comfort to you aunty, I've no interest in anyone else but Kira. He being a male is just a technicality." Athrun butted in with a serious look.

"Technicality?" Caridad looked at him with incredulity. "Athrun, really."

Athrun kept his eyes fixed on her; the tightness around his jaw was the only indication that he was as tense as Kira was. They sat without talking for a while, the iced tea remained untouched.

"Does anyone else know about the two of you?"

Kira bit his lower lip, and then said hesitantly: "Cagalli. And Lacus."

Caridad bowed her head, her anguish apparent. Tears welled in her eyes. For a long time, no one spoke.

Unable to bear the oppressive silence, Kira forced himself to swallow his fear. Across the counter, Caridad stared with red-rimmed eyes at the melting ice in her glass. If only she had yelled at them as Cagalli did, perhaps her grief would have been easier for him to handle. Her silence tore at his heart, and Kira was at a total loss of what to do. They had come this far; what could they do next? He glanced at Athrun, and decided that it was best that they took their leave. Give Caridad some time to process the news and mentally compose herself.

As they stood up to take their leave, it occurred to Kira that her reaction to finding out the truth about his and Athrun's relationship might be the indication of what they would eventually face in the future. They left the kitchen and closed the door gently. On the way upstairs, he wondered what else could go wrong. He felt edgy, disoriented, as if his emotions were being shredded. He willed himself to keep the tears of misery from streaming down his cheeks.

"That must have been quite a shock for you."

Caridad nodded miserably as she cupped the mug of coffee between her hands. She stared at her fingernails, kept short for as long as she remembered for housework and gardening. Her hands were rough from the constant chores. How different from the hands of Murrue Ramius, who now sat across from her with a sympathetic look on her face.

"Was it my fault, you think?" Caridad asked glumly.

"How so?"

Caridad shrugged. She didn't even understand why she had confided in Murrue. Maybe because the woman had spent time with the two and hopefully understood their relationship better than she ever could. In her mind, both Kira and Athrun were like her own children. Childless herself, Caridad had raised her sister's son as her own. She remembered having the young Athrun, a latchkey child and Kira's special friend, over at her home those years ago on Copernicus. Memories of those innocent, idyllic childhood days brought a pang of sadness to her heart.

"You okay?"

"I don't know," Caridad answered with honesty. "I'm puzzled, why would they turn gay?"

"I don't think anyone 'turns gay' overnight."

"You mean they're born that way?"

Murrue leaned back and sipped her coffee. "I've read something like that, but I'm not sure if it has been proven."

"Then why?"

"Perhaps it's a marriage of the minds. Maybe they found something in each other that no one else could give them."

Caridad looked doubtful. "But Athrun was once engaged to Lacus," she said. "Surely he's straight."

"It was a politically arranged match. I doubt if he really wanted to be married to her." Murrue refilled her cup. "He didn't seem to mind at all when his father broke off the engagement. In fact, he seemed relieved to be rid of the commitment."

"What about Cagalli? Didn't he have a crush on her?"

"I had my doubts about those two," Murrue admitted slowly. "I thought he saw her as a female version of Kira. Honestly, I was quite surprised, but then again, he was at that difficult age when he probably wasn't aware of his own sexuality. But if you asked me, it was clear that he loves Kira more than anyone else."

"But what about Kira? I thought he was close to Lacus."

"Can't deny that they have some sort of bond. I doubt very much if Kira has any romantic feelings for her though." Murrue tapped the sides of her coffee cup with a fingernail. "Call it female intuition if you will, I've always felt that Lacus knew about who Athrun really loves and she cunningly played the part of Kira's love interest to throw others off the scent."

A look of sheer bafflement crossed Caridad's face. "Off the scent? Why would she?"

"Circumstances warranted it. They're valuable to her as soldiers. Tension was high amongst the troops, and no one needed additional rumours about the two to add to it." She paused for a moment. "Some people weren't too comfortable having Athrun in their midst."

"Why's that?"

"He's a serial defector, and that made them uncomfortable around him." Murrue pointed out. "They compromised because Lacus and Kira vouched for him. The guys were in awe of Kira and held him in high esteem. Imagine what would had happened if the truth came out. The scandal would've been hard to handle."

Caridad stared at the coffee grounds at the bottom of her cup. "I wonder if it's just a phase."

"What do you think?"

"Well, I know that they have been room mates for years, and they recently bought an apartment together." Caridad said. "And they are quite affectionate with each other since small, but I thought it was a just a brotherly thing. Anyway, Athrun told me yesterday that he loves Kira. They even wear matching bands."

Murrue's brows shot up in surprise. "That doesn't sound like a fling at all. It's like announcing to the world that they are a couple."

"Kira basically confirmed that too." A sudden thought struck Caridad, and her face turned red. "You think they're already at the stage where they're having a physical relationship?"

"Probably. I won't rule it out." Murrue answered slowly. "You saw them kissing, right?"

"And in broad daylight!" Caridad's hand flew to her mouth, her eyes widening in horror. She remembered coming home from the shops to find Athrun in the kitchen stuffing the bedsheets into the washer. He had been insistent on doing it himself, and she had let him. Oh god, I even let them room together since they are used to sharing, she thought. But what if ... what if ... She closed her eyes, feeling suddenly dizzy.

"Are you okay?" Caridad nodded weakly. "You don't look too good."

"It's nothing, really." She saw Murrue gazing at her doubtfully. There's no way she could lie to this smart woman. Thankfully, Murrue let it slide.

"The boys are matured beyond their age. I'm sure they would have thought it out carefully. They wouldn't rush into a commitment just like that." Murrue reasoned.

"But still, isn't there something I could do?"

"Like what?"

"Counselling?"

"It's not a disease that can be cured with drugs or counselling." Murrue pointed out.

"Athrun told me that Kira being a male is just a technicality. I nearly died of shock."

"I can imagine. But then again, he's probably telling the truth. He really loves Kira regardless of his gender."

"So you think it's okay?" Caridad had always been a rather timid woman, and arguing with this confident woman scared her somewhat. But she knew that Murrue bore no malicious intent, and had always had the boys' interest at heart.

Murrue sighed. She reached across the sofa and took hold of Caridad's trembling hands. "I'm not one to judge. And I don't know if you should." Caridad shot her a perplexed look. "Things must be hard for them as is. All we can do right now is to wait and see."

Almost as soon as Cagalli rang the doorbell, the door opened with a soft creak.

"Come in. Kira's been expecting you." Athrun said, his mouth tense. He must be as worried as Kira, she thought as she stepped into the hotel room. Kira sat with both legs up on the sofa, his hands linked around his knees.

"What happened?" Cagalli asked as she sat beside him. Athrun sank in the seat on his other side and stared at a painting on the far wall.

Kira looked at her sideways, his eyes puffy from lack of sleep. "Mom found out." he said simply.

Cagalli's mind whirled. "How?"

"I'd rather not say," he replied. Alas, this caused Cagalli's imagination to kick into high gear.

"She saw you the two of you ..." she purposely left her sentence hanging.

"Um, yes." Kira replied, confirming her worst suspicions. Visions of Caridad walking in on them being indiscreet filled her with a mixture of horror and repulsion. Remembering the ice-cream incident, she quickly assumed that Athrun was again the instigator. "We had no choice but to out ourselves. It would have been easier to deal with if mom had been angry. But she just sat there, looking so shocked and miserable. I wasn't prepared for that and I didn't know what to do."

"Did she kick you out?"

Kira shook his head. "We decided it'll be best for everyone if we leave."

"What? You left without working it out?" He nodded miserably. "So what will you do now?" Cagalli asked.

"Don't know. Go home. Give her some time to think, I guess."

Obviously that wasn't the answer she was expecting. "Are you stupid?" She exploded. Kira recoiled at the sound of her voice, and Athrun shot her a dirty look. "Think for a bit, will you. You can't just high-tail it out of here. Take some responsibility for your actions, for goodness sake." She reached across him and shoved Athrun on the chest, hard. "And you! I told you before to make sure this never happens!"

"You blaming me?" Athrun got up like a shot. Angry now, Cagalli followed suit, arms akimbo, and stared at him with angry eyes.

"I told you I'll rip your head off if anything bad happens to Kira. And see what happens now? I bet it was entirely your fault; you can't seem to control yourself when you're around him."

She heard Athrun grunt, and say, "What the hell are you blathering about?'

"I saw what you did to him on the kitchen counter the other day. Slathering him with ice-cream and forcing yourself on him. I bet she caught you at it again, you jerk." Cagalli shouted angrily.

"What?!" Athrun said, reddening.

"Your parents are dead, so you have no parental objection to worry about. But that doesn't mean you can have your own way with him. And under his mother's roof! You can't imagine the strain you caused between him and his mother just because you can't control your roaming tentacles."

She had perhaps been blunter than she meant to be, but the time for niceties had long past. Her only real worry was that Kira might withdraw within himself and suffer in silence.

"Cagalli! It's not his fault. You're making a mistake." Kira protested, appalled at his twin's outburst. Athrun's nostrils flared as he stared at the diminutive blonde. He started to open his mouth but Kira quickly jumped up and grabbed his arm. "Athrun, calm down. Cagalli doesn't mean it."

"Like hell she doesn't."

"Hah! Guilty as charged." Cagalli shot back. She was itching to plant her fist into Athrun's face. That should teach him a lesson not to mess about with her twin. "You claim to love him, and see what shit you got him into? What kind of pathetic partner are you? I could take better care of him than you, and he would never have to go through all this crap."

Athrun's patience, stretched to its limit, snapped. "Woman, you have a serious brother complex there," he retorted acidly. "As if it never crossed your mind to grass on us."

Kira gasped, utterly horrified as he looked in turn at Athrun, his best friend since childhood, and Cagalli, his twin whom he knew since he was sixteen. Cagalli saw his expression and felt a sense of protectiveness wash over her. Some quirk of nature had made her the more aggressive between the two of them, while Kira's more gentle nature was better suited for a girl. Apparently, some divine power with a twisted sense of humour had decided to switch their gender and personalities around. Perhaps, it was retribution against men who tried to play god by manipulating genes.

"Well?" Athrun goaded, not letting it slide.

"Brother complex, eh?" Cagalli said with a twisted smile. Then she swung her fist and caught him solidly on the jaw. Kira yelled as Athrun staggered backwards, wide-eyed in shock. "That feels good," she said tartly, and sat down as if nothing happened. She eyed them coolly as Kira dragged Athrun towards the bed and forced him to sit down. They stared at her in disbelief. Satisfied that she had their full attention, she said, "You two better face the problem like real men. Sort it out with Mrs Yamato before you leave. Don't you dare go home without clearing the air."

"What do you expect us to do?" Kira asked, in frustration. "We already tried, and she couldn't handle it."

Cagalli folded her arms across her chest. "Then try harder. You two have decided to be together, so now you better see it through the end."

"Goddamn woman sure packed a solid punch. She's been training or what?" Athrun touched his face gingerly. Kira batted his hand away and pressed a cold compress against the swelling. "That's the second time she punched me."

"You should have ducked." Kira commiserated. "You know better than to goad her when she's in that state."

"How come I'm always the victim here?" Kira shrugged. Athrun moaned and then say, "She honestly believes you're as innocent as an angel, and I'm the lecher who turns you over the dark side or whatever."

"That I know." Kira chuckled despite himself. Then he turned serious. "What do we do now?"

"Honestly, I don't know. But she has a point. I can't let this cause a rift between you and aunty." Athrun yawned and settled himself on his side of the bed. "Come on, let's get some sleep. We'll think of something tomorrow."

"Promise?" Kira eyed him sceptically.

"Yes." Athrun muttered and closed his eyes.

Kira switched off the bedside lamp and studied Athrun's profile in the dark. The prospect of facing Caridad Yamato once again made him nervous.

As he sipped his weak, tasteless coffee, Athrun studied Kira's face who sat beside him in the commercial shuttle en-route to the PLANTs . Everything that they had feared could go wrong had gone wrong. On hindsight, turning up at Mrs Yamato's unannounced with the hope that the few days in between had somehow mended the earlier rift had been recklessly optimistic and downright foolish. Caridad had let them in graciously, but the ensuing silence and awkwardness made him feel oppressed that he wanted to scream. They tried to reason with her, but she had erected an invisible wall around herself that made any meaningful communication almost impossible. Throughout the whole hour they were there, all she did was to gaze at them with saddened eyes. Athrun knew then that the wound in her heart had been too deep to be healed by mere words. And when she bade them goodbye, her voice was full of grief.

"I'm sorry things don't work out between you and your mother." Athrun said, breaking the silence.

"It's not your fault."

"I want you to be happy. But all I managed to do is cause a rift between the two of you." Athrun set the plastic cup down with a sigh. "Cagalli's right, I'm pathetic."

"Not true." Kira kept his eyes fixed on the back of the seat in front on him. "And will you quit blaming yourself? You don't have to shoulder everything on your own you know."

"I'm not giving up on you," Athrun said in a low voice.

"I won't either." Kira leaned towards him and squeezed his arm comfortingly. "We mustn't let this be a stumbling block. Mom used to say the only difference between stumbling blocks and stepping stones is the way which we use them."

"Is that so?"

"So stop worrying. As long as we are together, I'm sure we'll be fine."

"You really have a lot of faith in me, don't you?"

Kira smiled, and said, "Neither of us will be alive today if we don't have faith in each other."

Athrun gazed at him quietly, then nodded and said: "Yeah."

Turning to look beyond the window, Athrun could see the Earth glimmering in the vast darkness of space. He put his hand against the window and stared out. Somewhere down there, Aunty Caridad was picking up the pieces of her life. He had no doubt that she would go through periods of rejection, acceptance, and then rejection again before hopefully she would come to accept them for who they are and understand something of what it meant to be gay. He turned away from the window, lifted the armrest separating their seats, and threaded his fingers through Kira's. Kira squeezed his hand gently, giving him the warmth and assurance that he needed.